“There is no end to grief and there is no end to love.” – Bono
It’s almost a year since you had to leave. This time last year you were in and out of the hospital. I don’t recall that I was fearful that you were getting ready to leave. Perhaps it was because I didn’t feel your condition was worsening. I don’t know what I was thinking. I believe it’s because I was on auto pilot for most of 2014. I want to remember specifics and sometimes I can, but about this my mind seems too foggy. Maybe it’s my brain’s way of trying to lessen the pain. I wish I knew. I wish I could remember more of the little details.
I dreamed of you last night. I was walking with you and Joe Dee. You were wearing a suit and I was fixing your lapel. I asked you if you were really there or if you were dead. I didn’t wake up upset nor can I say that I woke up peaceful and happy. I was glad to dream of you but wish that it was more of a personal and a much longer dream. I have absolutely no idea why Joe Dee was in the dream, but it reminded me of the time you and I drove to Florida with him.
I went to the beach house this past weekend with Judy and Pattie McDonnell. We spent Saturday in Atlantic City and then went back to the house for the night. We laughed and cried and I enjoyed being with them. We promised each other that we would try to do this at least twice a year. You would have been so proud of me. I drove down to the beach house and then to Atlantic City and back. The girls kept telling me that they thought I was brave and strong. I say it’s not bravery or strength. It’s purely a matter of having no choice and refusing to give in.
I got to see Pattie’s house. She and Ron moved into a 55 and older community and their home is beautiful. I think you would have liked their community, too. I remember the few times we went to look at places and it just makes me so very sad that we never got to see the fulfillment of our plans for our older years.
The kids and I are trying to come up with an idea on how we will spend September 15. I don’t know what to do. Our year of “firsts” will be over. I don’t know if it will ever get easier going through the holidays and special days without you for any of us. I have to believe it will get better because I don’t see how people would ever able to continue on without those they love.
Come to me again tonight in my dreams. I need to feel your presence. I love you and I always will.