We Got Through the Day Without You

Father’s Day came and it was sad.  I watched the faces of our children as the day went by and could see the sadness behind their eyes.  Our sons were more quiet than usual.  I think that as time goes by, they are missing you more and more.  Kelly is alot like me.  She cries often.  It doesn’t take much.  She said that she heard a Van Morrison song the other day in the car and it brought her back to a time when she was alone with you in the car driving somewhere and you told her how much you liked the song.  Well, when she heard it the other day, it just made her sad and reminded her how much she misses you.

Your parents visited the cemetery before they came to the house.  I wish that they wouldn’t go because it is just too upsetting for them when they do.  I remember you telling me that “this is going to kill my mother and father.”  Well, it hasn’t killed them, but I can tell you that it has destroyed them.  They will never be the same.  How can any of us ever be the same without you?

The family (your family) was all together at our home on Sunday.  It was good for me because I had been so busy since Friday night preparing that I didn’t have much time to think and dwell on the fact that you were not here for the first Father’s Day in the forty years since you became a father.  I did go to the cemetery alone on Saturday and that is always hard.  This time it just seemed baffling to me that the past year and four months even occurred and I literally found myself talking aloud to you and asking how the hell did this happen and how did I end up alone.  I miss you, babe.  I just don’t see how I will ever get over losing you.  I know that loss is something everyone experiences during their life at one time or another.  I know that it doesn’t discriminate for age, race, sex, education or any other reason.  It is just something we must experience by being alive.  It is as inevitable as breathing.

I need to know that you are okay.  I wish there were some way that you could give me a real sign that you are in a better place and that maybe you are there right behind me if not always, at least some of the time.

We made it through the day, but Father’s Day will never be the same.  I know that for sure.  I only hope and pray that perhaps there will be a day when we can be together and smile when we think of you instead of cry.

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