Our First Father’s Day Without You

It’s been nine months and four days since you left.  How have I managed to get through this time? Riding on the train this morning, I began to remember snippets of our life together and, as usual, was sitting there crying.  A woman across from me stared and I became aware of her as a tear trickled down my cheek.

I remembered a moment in the delivery room when Russell was born.  I clearly saw your face again and how you leaned over to me and kissed my cheek, telling me, “it’s a boy”.  Then I remembered when Matt was born and you were ecstatic over having a second son.  The other morning I remembered a moment at Gemma and Joe D’s wedding when I overheard you talking to someone and I heard you refer to Kelly for the first time as “my daughter”.  I remember sitting there seeing the look of utter love and pride on your face as you animatedly discussed your “daughter”.

Our kids were so very lucky to have you for their father.  I was so very lucky to have you as the father of my children.  I know how much you loved them and I know how much they loved and still do love you.

I don’t know how we will all get through this Father’s Day on Sunday.  It is our first without you.  I know that it will be a very sad day for our children because for the first time in all of their lives, they will not have their father –their dad — their daddy.  I won’t have the love of my life with me.

This morning on the train I recalled a few moments in our life, very personal and intimate moments that did bring a smile to my face as a tear trickled down my cheek.  We were so lucky to have many of those moments together over the years.  I know many people don’t experience even one of those special moments in their lifetime and we were lucky to have many of them.  Maybe that’s what makes it so very sad for me.  I know and I remember what I truly lost.  My heart is broken and will never be whole again.

I hope that wherever you are that you know how much we will miss you this Sunday; how hard it is going to be to get through the day without you and how no Father’s Day ever will be the same for either me or our children and grandchildren.  We’ll go through the motions.  I am having your family over.  The kids wanted to do something special to honor you this year.  When they asked my opinion on what they could do, I thought about it and told them that I thought that the best way we could honor you was to honor your father.  That’s why I decided to cook dinner for everyone and have them all over to our home.  I’m hoping that by being in your home with your family, it might help your parents get through the day, too.

I love you and I always will.

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